Going Under
by UndergroundValentine
Summary: My only question was why? Why Adam? -Warning: Mature read; rape -- Kradam-


"Finale's in a few days." He says softly to me, and I smile, taking in a long, deep breath.

"Yeah. Can't believe we've made it this far." I reply, and he laughs, his ocean eyes swimming with joy. Of all of the people who've been on this show, I never expected to be standing, alone, with Adam in the Idol Mansion. We are the last two people here, and to be honest, it's never felt any better. I plop down on the couch, turning on the TV. We've got the next few days of extensive work, and then the night before the show is free for whatever we want to do. It's nice, to work these last few days, have a moment to breathe, and then give it our everything.

"You wanna celebrate the night before? Just the two of us?" Adam asks, and I glance over my shoulder at him, smiling warmly at the raven haired man. Even though he's never openly admitted it, I know he likes me. It's all cool though. He's my best friend.

"Sure. Grab me a Coke while you're up." I say to him. A few drinks won't be too bad. Just me and Adam? Not a problem, right? Couple beers, maybe something a little fancier (kahluah, perhaps?), I don't know. I flipped through the channels as Adam sits down next to me, dropping the can of Coke in my lap. The coldness shocks me and I jump a little, grabbing it swiftly out from between my thighs. I shoot a glare at Adam as he drapes his arm over the back of the couch.

"So, what's on tonight?" He questions softly, staring blankly at the TV. He's not really paying attention, and I don't blame him. We had a long day today, working on song selection and rehearsals. It's gonna be like this for the next two days before we get out rest. The finale? Oh, God, I can't even think about it right now.

"Velvet Goldmine?" I suggest. He grins. Perfect.

I sigh heavily, loosely holding onto the neck of the beer, my arm draping over the arm of the couch. One leg's sprawled across the cushions, the other's bent at the knee, my foot on the floor. My left arm is resting on the back of the couch. Where's Adam? On the floor, face up, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. He's had more to drink than I have tonight, and it's really amazing just how much he can put away at still seem okay. But his staring is starting to freak me out, because he looks like he's contemplating something naughty. There's a gleam in his eyes now and he smirks, turning his head and looking over at me.

I raise an eyebrow, before pulling my right arm back over the arm of the couch, downing the last of my beer. I don't normally drink, it's not something I'm used to. I have low tolerance, so we got the shittiest, cheapest beer for me. At least the taste was tolerable. But even that was to a degree. I lean forward and set the bottle down on the coffee table, before reclining back against the couch. It's so comfy, warm from my body heat. I've curled up so many times on this couch for naps. And wonderful naps they've been in the past.

I look away from Adam, closing my eyes slowly. My head is starting to spin and I can't look at anything right now. Ugh— so this is what it's like to be drunk? Fantastic. Utterly fantastic. But it can't be, because I had all of one beer. Ugh. I open my mouth and let out a long, loud sigh, the light over my eyelids growing faint. Did Adam turn down the lights? I thought I would have heard him move. Whatever. The darkness is better than having the light trying to burn its way into my vision, at any rate. But it's too warm now… As if there's someone above m—

I feel something against my lips and my eyes shoot open. I stare as Adam's mouth works over mine, his tongue gliding between my teeth like a cool treat. But this isn't a treat I want! I press my palms into Adam's shoulders and I shove. His teeth clench around my bottom lip briefly before he stumbles back. I cry out in pain, running my tongue over where his teeth had been. I taste blood; he's bitten me. What the—?

"Adam, what the heck are you doing?" I practically shout at him. I can do that, since there's no one else in the mansion. Adam blinks once, before nearly throwing himself over me again, slamming his mouth over mine. My head is hurting, but I'm not so far under the influence that I don't know what's going on. I'm well aware, and I'm afraid.

I try to scream, but it's muffled by Adam's mouth over mine, and his hands slip under my shirt, stroking my chest. No, no! This isn't happening! This isn't Adam— Adam would never do this. I close my eyes, trying to reach up and push him away again, but he's simply too big. His broad shoulders fold over me like great, massive black wings and I shove again. It's no use. It's like I'm shoving against a brick wall with a thin layer of padding just over it.

His lips lift away from mine briefly, and I pull my head back. "Adam! Adam, stop it! Stop it, right now!" I'm practically screaming at him, but his eyes are unclear, unaware. Adam's not in there, he's not listening to me. He's gone, off to Drunken La-La Land. Oh God, this isn't good. This really, really isn't good.

The first thing that I become painfully clear of is how his hands grip the front of my shirt, shaking lightly. A lump swells in my throat and I grab his hands trying to pull them away from me. No, no, no! Tears are burning in the back of my eyes and I try so hard to push him away. But it seems as if he's stronger than normal, and he bats my hands away, before clenching back onto my shirt and pulling. The fabric tears in two; my chest is exposed to his drunken eyes. I squirm, pressing my hands against his chest and pushing again. Nothing.

Adam growls low at me, his eyes burning, his breath reeking as he leaves harsh, unfeeling bite marks down my neck and chest. I howl; deep within the pain of every bite, I shiver from a touch of pleasure. It feels… Good. Katy's never done this to me, it's always been slow and intimate. Oh, no… Katy. My wife, my love. I think of her face and the things Adam does to me are a little more bearable. I only think of her smile, of her eyes, and I can start to block out Adam's bites, his kisses, his touches, his—

Oh, _crap_… I loll my head to the side, squeezing my eyes shut, trying to keep Katy in my mind. When did he get my pants opened— _aah_… I lock my jaw, keeping the sounds building up in the back of my throat deep inside. I won't let him tear me apart like this. I won't let myself succumb. '_Dear Father, keep me strong through this…_' I pray, and I pray long. I think of Katy as I pray, and I long to shut myself off from Adam's rough hands and his mouth— _No_… This is wrong, this is wrong, this isn't Adam…

"You're so pretty…" I hear Adam whisper, and he breathes against my— _uhn, no_. "God, Kris, you're so fucking pretty." I whimper, wanting to block out this, to block out _him_… But his breath is hot against my skin and his hands are rough. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, praying louder in my head. Katy's smiling warmly at me, holding me in her angelic arms and telling me that I'll make it. That I'll be okay. I have to believe her. I have to; otherwise I'll lose myself to this. No… I'm a strong man, I'll be—

"Aah…" I can't keep it locked away. Adam's tongue is gliding up and down— ugh, no. This isn't happening. Not now, of all times. This isn't now, this isn't him. No, this isn't Adam. This isn't my best friends. This is someone else, this is a monster. This. Isn't. Adam.

But it still is. As much as I don't want to believe it, this is still Adam. He's just aware of what he's doing. But this is one of his talents. This is what he's good at, along with singing and performing. This is another Adam that the world doesn't see because it's a little too lusty. It's a little too dark and I wish I wasn't here. I wish I was with my wife, my beloved. Jeez, I wish I was anywhere but here. My arms fall slack at my sides and I relax. I can be anywhere but here. I can. I inhale and exhale, keeping my eyes closed. I think of God, I think of Katy. I think of my friends and family back home and I just forget all about Adam. I forget about his mouth, his hands, his body, his glazed eyes, the words he whispered into my ears. I forget it all.

But forgetting doesn't block out the pain. Every bite, every scratch. Eventually my clothes are stripped off of my body. I'm naked but I don't care. _I'm in a blanket of warm darkness. I'm with Katy. She's running her fingers through my hair and kissing my chest, just like she does every time we make love. She's giggling as I trail my fingers over her lips. She's so beautiful. My beloved, and she's cuddling close to me as if I've never left for the stage. She's right here with me, and I wouldn't have it any other way._

There's a pressure somewhere, and while it feels good, it's alien. I don't like it. My fingers twitch at my sides and the pressure builds. Something else to ignore. Something else to forget. _I think about my parents, caring, considerate, loving people. Accepting and beautiful. They've raised me well and I love them. I'm hugging my dad on my return visit during Idol. He's crying. I've never seen my dad cry. It makes me want to cry too, because it's just so good to be home. I wonder how Adam's doing with his own family reunion, and Danny. It's gonna be about a week before I see them again…_

"Gonna fuck you so good." A voice in the distance tells me. I ignore it. I'm getting good at ignoring things.

_I'm strumming my guitar, singing Heartless. It's a good song. Adam said that the acoustic would be genius. He's a smart guy like that, always willing to help. He's helped me a lot through this season and I'm eternally grateful for it. The crowd is going nuts, they're screaming and yelling, some are singing along. I can't really hear them, but I can feel it. I'm having fun despite the fact that it's a rather… not exactly depressing song, but it's not the happiest thing on the chart today, either. But it's good. _

Then I feel it. Or rather, him. Rocking. Moving. Inside of me. There's friction like I've never felt and it hurts. He's larger than I had thought. But then again, I never really thought about the size of Adam's… yeah. I'm not like that, so why would I? But— this… this is more… I always knew rape was a horrible thing and that it leaves an empty feeling. But I could _feel_ Adam ripping out chunks of my soul with every thrust. I could _feel_ myself being torn apart from the inside out. I hate this. I hate it so much. I want to crawl into a hole and just…

Die. I want to die. And I've never wanted that.

"So… tight… so good…" Adam's panting, he's not making sense. Not that it matters. I eventually open my eyes, but I don't see anything. It's all blank, empty, nothing. Adam's voice fades from my ears and I don't see or hear anything. I wonder how long it will be before I don't feel anything either…

_I wonder what life is going to be like after this. If this is how I feel now, how will I be five minutes from now, an hour? A day? A week? A month, a year, ten years? Will I be able to tell Katy? My parents? Any of my friends? What if Adam doesn't remember? Will I have the heart to tell him what he's done? And if he does remember? What then? Will be apologize profusely? Will he not say anything? Will he do it again? God, help me…_

I don't even register the fact that he's done. I don't register the full feeling. Not until later, anyway. Somehow he carries me to my room and lays me to rest before venturing off to his own room. I just stare at the ceiling, unfeeling. There's only one thing going through my head and that's _why?_

Why Adam?

Why?


End file.
